QH: What is the most disgusting type of sandwich you’ve ever eaten?

CW: Sandwich wise, I have always been a pretty bland type operator, but there was one afternoon in my early teens where James Agius and I decided to get a little adventurous. The wholemeal bread wasn’t even the worst part of it but I think the main ingredient should remain a state secret, don’t want to offend the refined tastes of the Quick Hands readership.

QH: You have been described by a QH source as “chronically smelling like bacon throughout High school”, refute or concede?

CW: Well, unfortunately they say your immune to your own scent but I was always blessed with friends that were always eager to remind me that my natural odour was similar to that of cooked bacon. As I transitioned from boy to man following the Burke Hall era, the “bacon boy” years as I call them, the vitriol increased which triggered major ongoing demons. My cause wasn’t helped when Lucas O’Sullivan (the ringleader of my tormentors) ventured to my house for the first time and what he found sitting in my kitchen was a humongous plate piled high with bacon, the timing was unfortunate and difficult to explain and so the savage bullying continued into senior school. It should be noted that some people actually find the scent quite endearing and compare it more to a camp fire than bacon.

QH: While Melbourne is no longer in a drought, you often do your part by abstaining from showering. An honourable deed, but how long is too long?

CW: I have always found the act of bathing rather tedious and as such it has never featured high on my To-Do lists. It could be said that this attitude may have something to do with question number 2. In terms of how long is too long, I gave a week a bash at Schoolies and my recently graduated pals reacted badly and threw my sleeping body fully clothed into the shower. So, I guess I’d have to say try not to go north of 7 days.

QH: A big outdoors and wildlife man, elaborate on your love for breeding ducks, and where this came from?

CW: Followers of my various social media platforms will know that despite my intimidating and rough exterior I am actually a big softy. A lot of the content I put out to the people revolve around our family Budgies which we have been breeding for some time now. With just shy of 20 budgies currently and 4 promising looking eggs we have been churning them out of late. Nothing brings me more joy in life than witnessing the circle of life first hand, their nightly bickering has a calming influence on me as well. Give me a follow if you want your mind blown.

QH: You’ve had many varying jobs in your time, and working at the local Burger Shop might just be your most notable, care to explain how this ended?

CW: Indeed, I have had some interesting jobs in my professional career thus far but the one that kicked it all off was as a waiter at a place called Burger Burger in Surrey Hills. I was a nervous wreck every time I walked in and no matter how hard I tried my inability to cook the food, take the orders and restock the shelves was too hard to hide. I think the tipping point came when I answered the phone and greeted the customer with “Charlie Charlie, Burger speaking” instead of the customary “Burger Burger, Charlie speaking”. Not long after my boss sat me down and said, “Look Charlie, we really like you but you are just no good at this job”. Fair enough I’d say.

QH: On employment, your love of fauna is rivalled by your love of flora, how was working at Romswood Peony Farm? And where did your affection with the “Coral Charm” begin? (See photos)

CW: Next to my love of budgies comes my love of the Peony Rose. Having worked on a Peony Farm for close to three years I have become a bit of an expert at the hundreds of varieties on offer. One of the earlier season varieties, the Coral Charm, is undoubtedly my favourite, even more so than the Buckeye Belle or the Festiva Maxima’s. Nothing rivals the peachy colour of a Coral Charm in full bloom. Please direct message for me for 2018 Open Day dates and a special Old Xavs ticket price could be arranged.

QH: We celebrated Matt “Chopper” Handley’s 250th game on the weekend, where he was chaired off in recognition of this amazing achievement. Is it true you demanded your Under 23 team mates to pay you the same respect earlier in the year, despite being rubbed out in the first quarter…?

CW: After sustaining a compound fracture of the snozz in the second quarter my day was done early.  But it was also my 50th game so I figured the hospital could wait. The downside of being built like linguini is that you never know when or where your next career ending broken bone is coming from so you should celebrate every milestone like it’s your last even if you have a bone sticking out of your nose. All three spectators at Elsternwick Park Oval No. 2 seemed to appreciate the touching tribute. To all those concerned the nose is gun barrel straight again thanks to some much needed plastic surgery later that evening.

QH: You get to pick one player to have a shot after the siren to win this weekend in your first final? The catch, however, is that if they kick it, you’re handcuffed together for the next 24 hours, if they miss, it’s a week. Who do you choose and why?

CW: Extremely tough. But Cam Bishop. If he were to put it through that would be great for the team but for me the 24 hours after would be hellish as he wouldn’t cease boasting of his heroics, his ego has him already thinking he carries the 23s. I figure if he misses the shot the following week would be a good start for my preseason as all Bish does is gym and eat creatine, so bulking season would be starting early.  

QH: Finally, Helloworld are one of our terrific partners, as a man who loves to go missing, sometimes for up to 72 hours over a weekend, where’s your next trip?

CW: I have always said that it’s good to get away and clear your head on the weekend after slogging it out at work even if it is just for a couple days at your mate’s backyard in Parkville. Id encourage all those young of age or heart to treat yourself to the occasional weekend holiday where your family has no idea where you are, its invigorating. I will be heading to India in December for a couple of months with fellow u/23s Jack Pica and little Jimmy Agius, we are all hoping to find ourselves over there and reach enlightenment whilst losing 20+ kegs in the process.

‍